Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Onion Eerily Accurate: Lampoons Lunatic Rightwing Arguments About the Constitution

The Onion continues to outshine the mainstream media. While the media passively report the silliest arguments rightwingers advance regarding the Constitution, The Onion has actually challenged this rubbish. The article, Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be, responds to many of the paranoid and baseless arguments that the extreme right has made since Obama became president. Here is a snip:
According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.
Great stuff!

5 comments:

Matt P. said...

Uh, perhaps this would mean something if either the Onion or you provided some examples of right wing people making those arguments. Preferably people who hold some sway rather than random lunies.

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

Surely you're joking. The rightwing has offered silly arguments questioning the constitutionality of healthcare reform, the bailout (which the Bush administration passed). McCain and Palin started the "socialism" argument during the presidential campaign. And recently, Pat Robertson argued that the passage of a hate crimes measure tightens the "noose" around Christians. I have written on all of these matters. Use the search function.

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

PS: Pawlenty raised a 10th amendment argument regarding healthcare reform.

liberal dissent said...

A lot of right-wingers love the 10th amendment, and quote it incessantly. Of course, it's probably the only amendment that "add[s] nothing to the Constitution" to quote the Supreme Court.

liberal dissent said...

By the way, the Onion article also takes a swipe at the left, too: "Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

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