Saturday, August 29, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: GOP Proposal Would Abolish Military, Public Schools, Fire and Police Departments and the Entire Federal Government

The GOP has pushed its argument regarding the uselessness of government to the logical conclusion: It has adopted a political platform that urges the abolition of the United States military, public schools, fire and police departments and the entire federal government. Dissenting Justice has been investigating the details of this developing story for over two weeks. Today, the GOP has authorized Dissenting Justice to release information regarding the plan.

Chairman Steele Endorses the Plan
The dramatic development comes after weeks of Republican criticism of Democrats' efforts to nationalize the healthcare industry and to control all aspects of medical practice, including the delicate decision to pull the plug on grandma. RNC Chair Michael Steele lauded the decision, stating that:
I was starting to sound like a fucking idiot blasting socialized medicine while trying to defend other government services. If Obamacare sucks, then it is likely that all other government services suck too. This brilliant plan will keep those pinko Nazi liberals off my back while I continue bringing hip hop to the GOP.
The Plan's Architect: Senator John McCain
Senator John McCain disclosed to Dissenting Justice that he devised the no-government strategy. Since his unsuccessful election bid, McCain has struggled to compete with louder and more outlandish conservatives like Sarah "the Bloggacuda" Palin, Chuck "Over My Grandma's Dead Body" Grassley, Dick "Am I Still V.P." Cheney, and Rush "Please Hush" Limbaugh.

McCain believes that his provocative proposal could give him more prominence and stature among conservatives. If the plan does not work out as he intends, McCain says that:
I would either retire or move to the political center again. It doesn't really matter to me at this point. I'm getting up there in age, you know. But if Obamacare passes, the government would immediately order me to die. So, I cannot think about failure at this point.
When asked by Dissenting Justice why he would propose abolishing the government after a long career in Congress and less than one year after he tried to become president, McCain said: "I lost. Besides, I never claimed that I was entirely consistent."

When asked how he made the decision to abolish the military in which he served with valor, McCain said that:
Those crazy Democrats almost got me killed in Vietnam, which was unfair. The government should never choose who lives or dies. Only the private sector should make decisions like that. When the government gets involved, it's like communism, which was what we said we were fighting over there in Asia.
When Dissenting Justice reminded McCain that he volunteered to serve in Vietnam, he responded: "You guys really do your homework, don't you?" McCain also said that he "wonders whether the outcome of the Vietnam War would have differed if the private sector handled the situation." McCain seems to have a lot more faith in the private sector, concluding that: "Socialized national security systems are probably just as bad as socialized medicine or even Social Security."

Seniors Respond
Even though the GOP plan would cause the immediate end of Medicare and Social Security, some seniors applaud the Republican proposal. Bonnie Franklin, a 75-year-old retired nurse who lives in Milford, Connecticut, says the plan "proves that Republicans are more interested in the health of the nation than the Democrats." Franklin, who has no income other than Social Security, says that: "Democrats believe the government can do everything. Spend. Spend. Spend. When will it all end?"

When Dissenting Justice asked Franklin how she planned to survive without Social Security and Medicare, she did not reply. Instead, she looked very confused. Dissenting Justice then told Franklin that the federal government administers Social Security and Medicare and that the abolition of the federal government would end those programs. Upon hearing this information, Franklin abruptly stormed out of the interview, yelling: "I wasn't born yesterday, kid. You are just trying to be cute. Have fun interviewing me. Not!"

No Specific Details
Although the plan lacks any specific details, the Republicans promise to provide them later. "Don't get all concerned over minutiae," said Steele. Steele argued that:
The opposing party does not have to supply specifics. All we need to do is criticize. Get it? We are clearly going beyond the call of duty. I am so tired of the liberal media saying the same things over and over again. Get a real job people.
The next day, Steele called Dissenting Justice and apologized for making his comments. Steele said that he had "taken himself out of context."


Anonymous said...

Yes, Steele, along with the whole GOP, have taken themselves out of contex, which happens to be the reality of our country.

And, BTW, I totally agree that it's time to get rid of this nasty guvinmint. Been sayin' it for weeks now -- but does anyone listen?

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

I read your link - and commented.

Anonymous said...

Thanks! I saw it. :)

BTW, your post is a hoot! Would you mind if I featured it on my blog?

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

Go for it! Wouldn't mind at all. Thanks.

Sue said...

Wow this is pretty damn scarey but exactly what the repugs want! In fact I do tell a few I visit to gather up their little group of cry babies and go find yourselves a deserted island and form your own special union!!
Great writing Darren!

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

Hi, Sue. Thanks for the comment! Yes, even though this is satire, some of it is eerily true.

The Gaucho Politico said...

finally some ideological consistency. personally i have long awaited the return to private firefighting. I know thats not federal but can it really be long until we can go back to fighting our own fires? i mean why do i have to pay to save bob's house? i have always hated that guy. i also hope that someday i will get to pave my own roads but i thinks that is still a generation away.

Anonymous said...

Darren, here it is, in case you have not seen it -- and thank you!

Gaucho Politico, I totally agree about Bob The Obnoxious and his goddamn house. Let them burn, is all I say. Not starting stupid fires is everyone's personal responsibility and people should get it in their heads that the less government we have in our lives, the more responsible we'll become. Or burn, whichever comes first. Sheesh -- what's next? A universal health insurance? Those lazy commies like Bob make me sick.

Besides, what do I care -- I have an excellent fire insurance. It's the moat around my castle, in case you wonder.

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

Hi, Elizabeth. I have been visiting your site since the weekend. A great find! Thanks for the tribute.

Gaucho/Elizabeth: Why does the government spend so much on roads? Why can't we just have the private sector make roads, and if people want to travel on them, they have to pay a huge access fee? Have you seen the lines at toll booths? Bah humbug. Socialized highway system!

Anonymous said...

I like the way you think, Darren. I already see a market potential there for road insurance, with ever-increasing premiums, obscene deductibles, costly marketing campaigns ("Would you rather drive on this crappy country road, or do you deserve smooth cruising on our asphalted highways, where travel is a breeze?"), the whole profiteering shebang.

The next step (and I cannot believe nobody's thought about it yet) -- air insurance! You wanna breathe? You pay for the privilege. Simple, no?

Though, wait, that's sorta what the health insurance does already.

But still, we can limit access to breathable air and sell it only to those who enroll in our programs. The possibilities for profits are endless here. Mmmm...

And I'll be able to put my kids through college.

P.S. While on the subject, check out the Hunger Insurance, if you haven't seen it yet.

Darren Lenard Hutchinson said...

Elizabeth: I hope your kids are going to a private college - not one of those socialized universities!

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